Sometimes I make myself laugh. For most of my life I’ve been a DO-er. I would do laundry, do the bills, do the household stuff, do everything related to raising a family and then I would try and figure out how music was supposed to fit into the equation. I found minutes everywhere- when kids were napping, late at night, or whenever the kids were all happily occupied. Sometimes I know the Lord was helping to find the time to do it. Other times, I knew inside that it was NOT the best use of my time. I would be telling my kids to go to bed, or to leave me alone, and inside I felt the guilt in knowing that I should NOT be working on music, but instead, spending time with my kids. It was hard to pull away then, and put the music aside. I knew it was more important, but it was hard to focus on my kids.
Through the years, I’ve been constantly reminded, by priesthood blessings, and whisperings from the spirit, that being a mother was the most important thing, and where I needed to focus my time. There would be seasons when I could be more involved with music, but this time was when I needed to put my energy into being a good mother, and taking care of my family. I knew that was right, but it was hard to put aside what I felt like at the time was more important. It was hard to sit and play with my kids, when I felt like there were better things I could be doing with my time.
This last year or so, that has changed for me. I want to share some of the reasons that has changed, and why I am enjoying being a mother so much more now.
I think it started when I was potty training my youngest child. You may remember the post. I had to set aside EVERYTHING, and just focus on him. It took ALL my time and attention. It was hard work, but when I was done, and my mission (in potty training him) was accomplished, I felt a great sense of joy that I had rarely felt before, even after composing a great song.
Another experience happened as I took an opportunity to write myself my own obituary. The reason why, is because it helped me to figure out some of my own personal goals. What would people say about me if I died? I realized that although people would probably appreciate the music that I had written, the music that I wanted people to remember me by, I hadn’t shared yet on my website. These were my personal songs. The songs that helped me get through trials and difficulties. Songs that helped me solidify new knowledge and help develop my testimony. Only those nearest to me- my family and closest friends knew of some of these songs, and the stories behind them. I began to have a deep desire to share more of these songs with the world.
Several years ago, I attended an LDS musicians workshop where Greg Hansen spoke about two different types of LDS musicians. One type was that of a lighthouse- sitting on a hill, shining their light so ships could come and be guided to the light. The other, were like the ships, who went out into the world to bring others towards the light and to the lighthouse. I realized right then, that I didn’t want to go out into the world to share my music. I didn’t want to have to play in bars, or compromise any standards so that I could share my music. I have nothing against those that choose to share their music that way, but I personally made the decision that I wanted to shine from where I was. From my home. I love the Internet and the ability that I’ve had to share my music and stay home with my family.
One of my friends shared with me another analogy. Like the lighthouse, a candle also shines light. A light can be seen from far away, but the closer that you get to the light, the more you can see the details of the actual candle. The color, the decoration, even smelling the scent of the candle can only be seen and smelled from close to the source. I realized that even though my light may shine – even across the world, and that others may benefit and see the light, that only those closest to me would recognize the details (my history) and be able to benefit the most from my light. These would be my family and those closest to me. My children, my husband, my close friends. A song I write may benefit hundreds of people for a minute while they listen to it- maybe even bring hope and happiness, inspire a change- but my family is the audience that I will have much more of an affect on for eternity. For their children, and their children as well.
I was able to see a clearer picture of WHY my family is the most important thing. It’s actually a bigger audience and would have much more of a lasting impact than any arena or venue that I could play or sing at. I realized that I could only have that positive, inspiring impact on my family, only if I chose to focus on my family, and less on the music for the world. This may seem hard to understand, but to me it has been life changing. I still have a deep desire to share my music with the world! I want to keep sharing and recording music. I want to share some of those stories behind the songs. I’m finding that it’s no longer hard to spend time playing with my children. It IS the most important thing, and I finally FEEL it. Music will always be a big part of me, but I know I’m doing something of greater significance as I take care of my kids, especially while they are still growing up.
So– that’s why it’s taking me a little while to start this recording process. I’m doing music wherever it fits- like I always have. I just have less minutes to find, because when I have a minute, I don’t always rush to go record a song, I’m finding that I’d actually rather take the opportunity to play a game of blockus or Candy land with my 4-year old. He is just so adorable. I’ve also been been teaching him numbers and letters. I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed anything more.