I haven’t written very much about my messy divorce, but as of a few days ago, the paperwork was finally finished, decisions were made, and I was finally able to move into a place where I could begin again. Custody of our children was determined to be 50/50. I wish I could be with my kids all the time, but when they aren’t with me, I’m getting the chance to figure out who I am and who I want to be. It’s been good for me and something I didn’t have a lot of time to worry or think much about before.
Moving has been a hard challenge. My parents have been away on a mission to Argentina, and I haven’t had a lot of family available to help. We moved from a large 7 bedroom house to a much smaller 3 bedroom basement and I couldn’t drive at all to get from one place to the other. I haven’t had any more seizures, but I still can’t drive for a couple more weeks. I’ve been so grateful for good visiting teachers, Relief Society Presidents and tons of priesthood support and friends that have helped me get through. The help I’ve received has truly been amazing. The Lord has blessed me and I’m grateful for the miracles He’s sent along the way.
I’ve been through a range of emotions. From hope, to depressed, to anger, to finally acceptance. I don’t think it’s been as bad as I’ve heard other people go through, but it’s still been hard none-the less. I’ve been grateful that most of the time, I’ve felt peace. The anger only lasted for a few days. It kind of caught me off guard, but I was told I needed to feel that to be able to move on. I feel like I’m finally accepting that I’m divorced and can move forward again. One of the things I’ve felt strongly about was that I needed to share my story. I’ve felt that the whole time, even from before I got separated. Now that I’m divorced, I finally have the time to do that.
This weekend I went on a camping trip with some single adults. It’s been a new experience for me, and it’s been different getting to know what it’s like to be single. One thing I’ve really been impressed with, is how much these single friends seem to know who they are and what they want to do with their life. The people I’ve talked to have definitely had their trials, but with the exception of getting married, they are accomplishing their dreams and becoming the person they want to be.
I don’t even know who that is yet. I was married when I was only eighteen. I had children right away – seven of them. My only dreams for the future were to become a musical actress, but that didn’t fit well as I also wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I’ve never regretted that decision, but now that I have every other week to myself, I have the opportunity to re-examine and figure out what dreams I really want to pursue. It’s kind of exciting not knowing what’s ahead. There are so many possibilities.
I’ve decided that as awful as this divorce has been, it’s not the end, and it certainly does not have to define me. This is just a new chapter in a half finished book, where the best parts are yet to come. God is the best orchestrator, creator and author I’ve ever known. I can hardly wait to see what He has planned for me next. Stay tuned…
2 Comments
Every once in awhile, I visit your website to listen to your music and reminisce about when you wrote One In God’s Love for my wedding. It was a very happy year for me and my wife and I am still thankful for your beautiful music. So today, when I was on your website I was very saddened to read of your recent divorce. I, too, went through a divorce years ago and know how heartbreaking it can be. I also remember it was also difficult for my friends who, with the best of motives, didn’t know what to say or do (or said or did things that were not at all helpful). It’s a hard time but, as I saw in your blog, you are doing the two most important things: staying close to God and serving others. Reaching outward is the true expression of godly love. In my case, I also prayed fervently to avoid bitterness and anger which destroy the self; instead, I prayed to have true forgiveness in my heart. In your time of pain, I just wanted you to know that you gave my wife and me a blessing through your music and that you ARE a blessing to others.
Thanks Steven. I appreciate your reaching out. I’m getting through this because of God’s Love and the many people that He has influenced to bless my life. Writing that song for you was actually quite therapeutic for me. It helped me realize that even though things weren’t perfect, I could still feel close to God and be one with Him. Thank you for your kind words.