Our sixth child, Joshua turned 8 years old and was baptized this week. It’s been a special week to celebrate him.8 years ago, I wasn’t sure we would get to celebrate his 8th birthday, or even his first. At the time, I was terribly overwhelmed by the needs of my other 5 children, and finding my baby Joshua was extremely colicky, I wasn’t sure how I would be able to cope. My oldest had been colicky, but at least with her, I could put her in the swing and she would go to sleep. With this child, the swing seemed to upset him even more. I became frustrated that God would send me such a difficult child knowing I needed an easier baby just to cope.
At Joshua’s two months old checkup, the heart murmur that I had easily dismissed, since ALL of my other children were born with normal heart murmurs, turned out to be a serious genetic heart condition called Aortic Stinosis. The aortic valve in his heart wasn’t working properly and blood was not circulating through his body as it was supposed to. The blueness in his hands and feet, I had observed, were caused by low circulation. He hardly had a pulse in his little ankle.
He needed a procedure done, right away. The procedure would balloon open his aortic valve and force a tear in it, allowing blood to circulate more easily through his heart. If everything worked correctly, the valve would open and close as necessary and he would be good for several more years. They also told me that eventually the valve would have to be replaced, but hopefully not for many more years in the future. There were also risks. If the valve tore in a different way than the doctors intended, then immediately he would have to have a heart surgery where doctors would open up his heart and have to repair the artery. At that point medications would be needed, other surgeries, and of course countless other procedures with always the risk of death.
I was devastated. I wasn’t ready for the flood of guilt and emotions I experienced. I suddenly felt like God was punishing me for all my complaining. If I couldn’t “handle” another child, then he was going to do the only kind thing and take him from me. It wasn’t what I wanted! I loved my son. I didn’t want him to be taken away! My frustrations and feelings of being overwhelmed were suddenly overcome by my feelings of love. I wanted him to live, and the fear that I might lose him became my strongest emotion.
I prayed and prayed that God would save my son. I loved him and I DID want him. I begged forgiveness for feeling the way I had and became appreciative of everything. I went into Primary Children’s expecting the worse. I couldn’t eat, as I sat waiting for the call that told me if my son had made it.
The procedure went well. The doctor said, it couldn’t have gone better. The valve closed completely. No medicine would be required. Joshua would be good for another year, when he would need a check up. It was more than I could even believe. We brought Joshua home, and he was a completely different child. He didn’t cry all the time, and he liked the swing. He was a baby I could handle. He has been such an incredible blessing to me.
Except for his yearly checkups, I often forget that he even has a heart condition. Recently however, his appointments have become more often, and I recognize that the procedure will need to be done again. It worries me, but I’m so grateful to have had 8 wonderful years with him. I appreciate him SO much and it helps me to have a little more patience with him when he is sometimes behaviorally more difficult.
Yesterday, he was throwing a fit at his Grandma’s house. I’ve been trying to figure out how to parent with a more positive approach, trying to ask for what I WANT instead of criticizing what I DON’T want. It has made a HUGE difference. I sat with him on the porch. He told me about how difficult things were for him with a particular cousin that he had just met. I told him how difficult it must be for her, not knowing anybody else, and being so new into our family. He knew how that felt. He had some ideas for how he could help her to feel better and be more included. I told him he had a good heart. I was impressed with how well he had turned his anger into love.
He looked at me with a funny look, “Well mostly” He said.
I tried to reinforce the good, “No, you really do, You have a good heart”. I looked at him and he smiled. Oh- yes, his heart. We laughed.
I told him that he DID have a good heart! If he could love someone that well, I thought his heart was working just fine… after all, that IS the most important thing a heart can do!
I love this kid!